yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
