I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
