She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize