She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
