her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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