I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
