My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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