Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
