I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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