He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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