when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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