you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize