I cannot find my penis.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
