and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
