that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
