Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
