I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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