yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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