Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
