Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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