we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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