need another drink. this is the easiest way
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
