TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
