Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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