so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
