Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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