i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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