can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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