I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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