He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
