Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
