Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
