I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I understand Curling. That high.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
