I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Are these your boobs on my camera?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
