I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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