meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize