So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
the raccoons are back...
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