Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
