So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
