I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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