Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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