Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
