allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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