Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
