if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
