I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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