Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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