I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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