what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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