I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
