I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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