The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
