so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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