apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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