He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
