so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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