you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
