i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
