Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
