my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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