I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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