i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Damn victory sex feels great
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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