I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
