i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize