Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
