I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
